The Last

What happened to me? This is not me! I used to be happy. I used to love myself. What now?

What have I done to myself? I hate myself. I hate who I've become.

This demon inside of me. It's eating me up.

It's tiring. Fighting a losing battle.

I give up.

Game over.

You,

Congratulations.

You win.

Amusing

I went down memory lane today. 

Well, actually, I just read all of my previous posts.

My my, lots of grammatical errors! *ashamed*

Though I must say, I was a pretty interesting writer. Ha Ha Ha

I was kinda funny, sometimes lame. Fine! Most of the time!

I joke around most of the time.

My entries were fun to read.

I was also amusing. I assume. Ha Ha Ha

I had proper greetings and goodbyes in each posts.

I put moral values.

I put inspirational quotes.

As years go by, I become less and less interesting.

I went through depression and few setbacks.

NOW..

I'm back! Well, almost.

I'm on my way.

I'm imagining an epic comeback to blogging.

I'll get there. Just give me some time aite.

Yours truly, 

The "Number 13"

Result? Result. Take Two

Semester 2

Click on the image for a clearer view

Hello there peeps.

Yes, here is the second semester's result slip. 

Let me enlighten all of you with the story of how I managed to achieve such result. Hold on there, dont go yet. The story will be simpler and shorter this time.... hah! You wish! You want to read, stay!

Okay, that sounded pretty cool in my head. But anyway, as promised, a short and simple story. One of the reasons why I say that the story is short and simple. It might be because I only have one subject that I want to write about. One subject that I feel the need to justify. That one subject is.... yeah, you guessed it! The one with the C+ up there. Yeah, that is the subject. The bloody subject that I just cant.. I cant even... I. Nevermind. Skip that. Moving on.

So, yet another one of my typical antics. Screwed the first assignment which carries a total of 20 marks. Guess what I got this time? 7. Can you imagine? 7 out of 20! How crazy is that? Indeed. Very. Very crazy.

What happened, you asked? I just pretty much screw the assignment. I didnt answer the paper properly. My lecturer asked me the same question. What happened. I answered with total confidence,

"I just dont understand what the question wants" 

Yeah. How stupid was I? I could've gone to my lecturer's office and ask her. But I assumed that I can figure it out on my own. Lesson to be learned here peeps. If you dont understand, ASK!

Well, aside from having a super tough time in understanding the subject, I had to suffer and arm injury. My right arm. Which I use. For writing. Sad isnt it? Yeah.

I wasnt able to use my arm for up to 5 months. You see, I tore my forearm muscle and sprained my vein. Sounds terrible doesnt it? Felt terrible I kid you not.

I was depressed. I was sad. I was mad. I had all the bad feelings all jumbled up together inside. I just couldnt help but to feel really frustrated with myself.

What caused the injury? I'll explain that in another post soon. Too bloody frustrating to tell you about it here.

But anyway, look on the bright side right. I managed to get an A for all the other subjects. That is pretty awesome to me. I managed to get rid of the Bs! 

But I still hate myself for getting a C+! Like dang it! That really brought my pointer down! It really frustrates me. Every time. 

I believe that God has his plans. I am grateful that I'm still able to score above 3.5. To maintain such result is a miracle -- after all the shits I had to go through this semester.

All in all, I'm very much thankful. I owe this to my family. Especially my mom.

"My sweet success will be ours, mom and dad. I promise!"

Ambitious,

The "Number 13"

Result? Result

Semester 1

Click on the image to have a clearer view

Well well, hello there peeps. 

Just take a look at my result slip. So, care to hear my explanations to why I got such result? Here goes.

Let us first look at the number one subject. Critical Thinking. Well, honestly, this is one of my least favourite subjects. I mean, come on. Just look at the name of the subject itself. I hate it because I have to admit that I am not a critical thinker. Well, I thought I am. I assumed I was a critical thinker as I used to participate in debates. I still remember what my trainer used to tell me,

"Always think critically. That's the only way for you to become an unbeatable debater"

So, I said to myself. This course would be a piece of cake -- since I pretty much have the experience of thinking critically. But then again, I was totally wrong. I couldn't handle how this subject demands the students to always and always think critically. I dont know why, but I just have this impression of, whatever that is written in an established book of the respective subject, that is the answer to all of the problems. Again, dead wrong. It does not only demand the students to think for themselves, we also have to come up with our own views. That, to me, is nothing but difficult. I pressured myself to not always go by the books. But I still ended up referring to all the information in the book. Thus, a B- for me.

Let us also look at another interesting subject. Introduction to Language and Linguistics. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, a subject, that I almost failed. Yes, you read it right. Failed. Almost, failed. But I ended up with an A-. How amazing is that? Hah! Not to brag or anything, but come on! I made an epic comeback! Totally!

The story goes like this.

We had our first test. It carries a total mark of 25. Guess what? I only managed to score 12 out of 25. 12. Yes. Twelve. Oh how I was speechless. I broke down that very night. Even the lecturer were surprised to see my result. She told me she was disappointed. She asked me to step it up. Because if not, I'll end up failing the course. That really did it for me. I felt sick to my stomach. The only thing that keeps running in my mind is,

"I cant fail. I cant fail. I cant fail"

So, that very night, I pulled myself together and told myself to stop crying over spilt milk and just wake up! Wake up and save your ass. If you yourself wont do it, who else?

Finally, I managed to get an A-. Frankly speaking, I nailed my final exam. I can say that I managed to answer all of the questions on the paper perfectly. Thankfully, I knew the answers. I dont know whether I just got lucky, or I studied hard enough to have to know all the answers. Nonetheless, I am very much grateful for being able to get a much desired result for this subject.

To sum it all up, I'm pretty much proud of myself. For I am able to achieve such results. Even after all the "series of unfortunate events". Fights, a break-up, a make-up, almost flunking a subject, epic comeback. One too many to list it all down.

All in all, I'm happy with my result, though I know, I can do wayyy better. Wayyy better than this. Well, I have 5 more semesters to prove this to myself. 

Motivated,

The "Number 13"

Promise

Hopeful,

The "Number 13"

Abuse

Mental and emotional abuse. Verbally abused. I was verbally abused. For many years now, I had to go through such terrible period of time in my life where I will be verbally abused by my peers every single day.

Mean things were constantly said. They would become trapped in my head and my mind. I cant stop thinking about it. I would punish myself everyday. Agreeing to whatever taunts that has been thrown to my face. I was weak. I bent and broke down. Slowly, I accept everything that were said to me. Eventually, I even believed them.

Now, I am a much better person. I admit that I can now control myself. I do not simply punish myself for all the wrong things that has been said to me all the time like I always did. But, it is still something that I find very difficult to deal with.

I hate it when I would go to the extent of hurting my own relationships. It is not like I intend to do so. It is just that it has become some sort of a habit. How I would always undermine myself.

I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm incompetent, I'm not good enough and never will be.

Yes, these phrases has been trapped in my mind for years. Yes, it is bad for me.

But tell me, how do you let go and move on? How?

What do you have to do?

It is like it has been carved into my brain. I dont know how to stop.

I have tried several ways to forget about it.

It becomes really frustrating when no one actually understands me and how I actually feel.

It is heart breaking when the person I thought would understand me most, turns out to be the total opposite.

Sedih.

Never

You were my everything. I was madly in love with you. If only you knew. If only you knew.

You left me here. Alone. You had to go. You just had to go. I wish you had stayed. I wish you had stayed.

You are the only one for me. Always and forever will be the only one. I wish it was the same for you. I wish for something untrue.

You left me. You left me. You left me.

What was I supposed to do?

I was weak.

I crumbled.

I fell.

Now,

I am lost. I weep. I cry. I have lost myself. 

You ripped my heart and soul out.

You ripped me off of my worth.

How do I get back up?

You tore me apart.

But, I still love you. I do.

This is never going to change.

Never.